The Underground

(Brian Silva)

Sewer

Weasel falls through an uncovered manhole, plunging an immeasurable distance to the floor below. While falling, the structure of Weasel’s surroundings goes from a combination of concrete, brick, dirt and rock to a more surreal setting of winding pipes of all sizes, runoff drains spewing out sewage and filth, water mains and valves, Escher-like doors, stairs & ladders, submarine-style hatches, scaffolding, gas lamps, flood lights, storm lanterns, elevators, billboards, advertisements, a ladies steam room, trolls roasting weenies at a campsite, giant clocks, framed artwork, and a progression of increasingly peculiar and creepy head sculptures.

Weasel, having crash-landed at the bottom of this immense, vermin-infested (another enemy), and very involved sewer system, must now begin his journey back to the surface. Without warning, waves of sewage rush toward Weasel through a cluster of drainpipes, and begin filling the entire sewer chasm. Weasel is forced to out-climb the quickly rising sewage, as it is swarming with all types of nasty sewer beasts that would be more than happy to make a meal of Weasel (since they’re pretty tired of eating poo). Weasel will have to scale his way upward via ladders, stair cases, water pipes, diving boards, pneumatic mail tubes, tire swings, and pulley operated dumbwaiters.

Weasel’s ascent eventually leads him to the top of a ladder (maybe 1/4 of the way up the wall) where he steps into a large open drainpipe and slides downward, heading for the beginning of a long hallway-like sewer tunnel. A barrel is located at the end of a series of platform jumps that Weasel must make across a temporarily calm sewage stream. Once Weasel lands atop the awaiting barrel, the briefly evaded flood of sewage again races toward him and sweeps Weasel and the barrel up in its current. A flurry of vertically and horizontally assembled sewer pipes now obstruct Weasel’s path. Weasel must duck under, jump over, and maneuver around the oncoming pipes to avoid being knocked into the sewage and left behind. Water-level iron gates will occasionally impede the barrel’s progress, forcing Weasel to jump over the gates and land atop other floating objects (sofa, armchair, dresser, radio, etc.). The final floating object is a bathtub with a cat for an outboard motor (Weasel holds and directs the tail of the cat: the harder he tugs the faster he goes). Weasel jumps into the tub, spills out the exit of the drainpipe, and nose-dives into Hell.

Hell

While floating along the River Styx, Weasel can hear the merry tune of Jingle Bells echoing throughout the fiery pits of hell, snow is drifting, trees are decorated, lights are hung, and all the little devils want to wish Weasel a “Merry Christmas!” Gnarled and twisting tree roots wrap and wind from above and all throughout this town of torment. Little demons drive their little demon cars, walk their demon dogs, and mow their demon lawns in front of their little demon houses. Elevators transport a nonstop supply of unrighteous heathens to the hoary underworld to suffer an abundance of dreadful eternities. Weasel will be glad to know that there are hundreds of take out restaurants in hell… unfortunately they’re all Chinese take out, and the only available places of business are either the Department of Motor Vehicles, the Internal Revenue Service, Hellth Food stores, Social Security Departments, jury duty registration, or fabric stores. But on the bright side, there’s plenty of flashy advertising for products and places that these sinners will never have a chance to enjoy.

Hell is also full of countless hazards such as falling debris (refrigerators, stoves, tubas, fat guys, grandfather clocks, toilets, stagecoaches, etc.) that Weasel must avoid by steering clear of their expanding shadows.

Rising up from beneath hell’s murky river come terrifying obstructions (unusual sea serpents, submarine conning towers, giant squid, enormous hands, huge fat heads of royalty “Helllooooo!”, angry forks & knives, and colossal mouth-first toothy demons out to swallow-up any passers by) that weasel must evade by maneuvering his tub away from their rising swell of bubbles before they surface. Weasel, also, needs to beware of oversized buzz saws that break the surface of the water and cut a path (head on, side-to-side, or from behind) on their way toward Weasel, as well as tremendous whirlpools that Weasel must struggle to avoid being drawn into and done for.

Once Weasel survives his voyage through hell, the river carries him to an “exit” door that leads to the way out of hell (who knew it was that easy?). Weasel opens the door and steps through, finding himself inside on a small ledge at the bottom of an incredibly tall cylinder shaped tower.

Grinder Climb

Out a short distance in front of Weasel is a thin vertically positioned sewer pipe that stretches upwards a good distance. The entire room is filled with these types of pipes, each one beginning just a short ways above the last pipe. At the bottom and top of each pipe is a crossing section of pipe that stretches from one side of the room to the other, holding the vertical pipe in place. At the bottom of this room is menacing arrangement of grinding metal drums that start to spin and slowly move upwards almost as soon as Weasel enters the room. The grinders eat anything in their path, including the series of ascending pipes that Weasel must climb to safety. When a grinder reaches a pipe, it will rip it apart into segments that come tumbling down. The object is for Weasel to escape this metal monstrosity while persistently climbing upward and securely jumping to the next safe hold in order to reach a hatch in the ceiling before he’s turned into grinder chow.

Now that Weasel has successfully reached the ceiling hatch, he climbs through and into safety… almost.

Subway Train Escape

It is pitch black now, and all that is visible are Weasel’s blinking eyes. Softly in the distance a train whistle sounds, soon followed by the unmistakable glimmer of an approaching train’s headlight. Weasel has crawled directly onto the tracks of an oncoming subway train (crap). The race is on! Weasel must outrun the train while maneuvering over, under and around a surplus of obstructions in his path that the subway train simply pounds right through. The obstructions could include a damsel in distress, crates, fruit carts, little old ladies, frolicking youngsters, a wheelchair-ridden character that Weasel could slap out of his wheelchair and steal the chair for some much needed additional speed, a Salvation Army band, barrels, water pipes, thumb tacks, a duck in a rowboat, a lemonade stand, priceless works of art, rings of fire, and holes in the floor that Weasel must jump over. If the train gets close to Weasel, the train will begin chewing and biting as if it cannot wait to chomp Weasel to pieces. The track has a wild roller coaster feel with its steep inclines and declines, sharp banking turns, hair-raising drop-offs (Weasel could jump at the edge of a drop-off to grab hold of, and hand-slide down a water pipe running along the top of the ceiling, giving him a slightly increased boost ahead of the train), and long distance ramp-like jumps across broken track (Weasel needs to jump and grab an overhead ceiling pipe which he must quickly traverse hand-over-hand across the sizeable gap. The train easily clears the pit and thunders to safety on the other side). At the end of this pulse-pounding getaway is a lever that Weasel must use to switch the oncoming train onto a different track, leading the train directly into a boiler room area that houses a thicket of contorted, high pressure steam pipes. The train smashes into the boiler room area, destroying the structure and causing blasts of steam to constantly discharge throughout the city which, in turn, causes all of the manhole covers to regularly burst straight up and back down. Weasel can now catch a ride atop a launching manhole cover, providing him access to new, previously unattainable areas of the city.